Omphaloskepsis

Being pregnant, looking for jobs, being pregnant

It's really hard for me to separate my pregnancy and my job-hunting experience these days. So, I'm hoping this post makes some sort of sense. It feels like it should be good practice for me to get everything in some sort of linear order.

Jobs.
I had a job interview this past week. It's not tenure track, but it's a pretty good job. I can't decide if I'm not a perfect fit, or if the job is a perfect  match of skills I need and skills I have. I'm leaning towards the latter, and I hope they agree. There was little mention of child care or my belly, which kind of freaked me out. But, probably, that is a good thing. This job is a three hour drive from where we live now, and we don't have any plans for MT to move next academic year.

Tomorrow, I have my next job interview. This job is very different than the first one. For one thing, it's called a post-doc. For another, it's only ten miles away. I'm not positive it's a better job, career-wise, but it would definitely be a better job family-wise. We have always been willing to do a little separation for the larger good, but of course never imagined the specifics of this separation.

Although neither job is tenure-track, both jobs are inherently longer than one year. It would be nice to have one year of applying only to perfect jobs instead of every job.

Baby.
Baby seems to be doing well, despite the fact that I occasionally drank caffeine during the first trimester. Some kicking, and a lot of other movement that feels more like bubbles.  Often, I feel this "bubble" movement near my left hip and the top of my uterus on the right side, simultaneously. I'm pretty sure the baby isn't that long! I would love to see him again before the big day, the ultrasounds were so cool.

We're also slowly reaching out to other moms and moms-to-be in the area. This includes prenatal yoga (just me), our birth classes (both of us), and a local message board. I *finally* found a local message board for parents in the area. And MT finally figured out how to get in on the pregnant/parenting group at his school. In some ways, I just need local friends: being pregnant seems like a good way to make them.

Baby and Job.
I don't even know where to start with this. I just don't do well with unknowns.

Non-productivity

That list below, of things to do... haven't even started most of it. It's just been that kind of wonderful, wonderful holiday. While it isn't too relaxing when we go up North to visit our folks, we've spent the three days since returning lounging around our place. Activities? Taking walks, reading books, doing after-Christmas Christmas bargain hunting, playing computer games, and cooking mostly great meals. (When you think the cayenne is the chili powder, the chili turns out too spicy and kinda bland, just so you know.)

There are a bunch of schools with jobs posted with January due dates. Just. Can't. Do. It. I think I missed an application that's due on Wednesday. I mean, I could get out a letter/CV/transcript in time, but not the letters. Okay, I've just talked myself into it. I would be a good fit for this school, even though I'm pretty sure they don't think so. I'll be back...

The Winter Break of the Unemployed

I actually have a lot to do before little Zebulon arrives in the spring. I have 10-15 hours a week for my part-time job to do in that time. Two job interviews (so far), a vacation / "babymoon" in the Caribbean, a conference paper to write, and a conference to go to (at 32 weeks, happy fun plane times). I'm going to throw in the book proposal, just because.

I'm trying to write on this more because our finances are pathetic right now and I need to justify this expense. The "babymoon" is looking like an extremely bad idea. Mainly financially, but it proved to be an an obstacle for scheduling both of my interviews. Also, I'm missing at least 2 of our childbirth classes. Poor Zebulon is going to have one ignorant mama.

To do list (scholarly):
* keep on applying to jobs
* prepare for interview one, the on-campus teaching demonstration
* prepare for interview two, which requires more materials before on-campus interview
* email prominent professor about his role in conference paper topic
* work on conference paper otherwise
* book proposal <---- ! ! !

To do list (otherly):
* more hours at part-time job (New Year's Resolution?)
* hang rest of pictures
* sign up for pre-natal yoga
* walk more
* prepare for Zebulon

The Job Search before Christmas

There has been a lot of good news in my job search lately, but it’s the one bit of bad news that’s finally getting me to post about all of it. The one job that was posted this year for my exact area—the area I try to cover-up in most of my job applications, the area that freaks me out because no schools seem to recognize it as a legitimate area of study—did not ask me for more materials. “Really?” I think. Are there really ten other people out there more qualified than I for this position? I guess so, but I wish I had been one of the lucky few. I also suspect they are looking for a more advanced scholar, but that might be just me rationalizing.

Part of the reason I’m asking this and beating myself up over this is because I did get requests for more materials from two schools in the past two weeks. (Two schools of equal or greater caliber to the School that Doesn’t Care.) Between this and the interviews I’ve had/will be having, this year has been much better than the other two I’ve been on the job market. However, these two schools don’t really want me. Well, one of the searches has reached infamous status: it’s the fourth year they’ve run it since I started graduate school. I know what they want, and it’s not me. The other school might end up hiring me, I guess, but I am not a perfect fit. It’s a stretch, in other words. The School that Doesn’t Care would have required no stretching!

The On-Site Interview (past). The interview was very nice, but also strange. It is mostly Unbloggable, but suffice it to say I did not get the offer. And I’m glad because the school wasn’t a fit, and not for a single one of the reasons I was worried about.

Interview One (future).I had a very nice phone interview for a VAP, which has led to an on-campus interview in the winter. Yays! It’s a heavy teaching load, but not a lot of  preps, and the school is almost ideal. If the on-campus goes well, this might become my first non-tenure-track choice.

Interview Two (future). I got an on-campus interview for a post doc at the R1 school in the neighborhood (the OTHER R1, not MT’s R1).  The location is completely ideal, the post-doc is a good one, and did I mention the cheap, high-quality childcare? No pressure or anything. This is probably my first choice overall for everything except for one of the above mentioned tenure-track searches.

Needless to say, despite all the good news, I’m kinda bummed. This is my personality type.

Paella is not the same as Polenta.

Thanksgiving is over, the in-laws and the parents are all home and I have replaced buckets of turkey in the refrigerator with buckets of turkey broth in the freezer (buckets = Tupperware).

***
I have a few very minor dyslexic tendencies. I am not saying I have a learning disability, or anything close, but I'm beginning to realize how careful I need to be about certain things. I do not have dyslexia, but when you look-up these "symptoms," they fall into the dyslexic spectrum.

1. I confused names that are the same length/start with the same letter. For instance, I interchange "the Ritz" and "the Roxy" in one chapter of my dissertation. Ahhhh. I called George Martin (Beatles producer) George Michael in front of my class last year. I struggle to read books where more than 2 characters have names that start with the same letter and are about the same length.

2. When I get tired, I start losing my nouns. Bowl becomes thingy, car becomes thingy in the driveway, glasses become, and I quote, "the see-through things I use to read." One memory:  asked MT if something was "in the place above the thingy out back." (In the storage unit above the car in the garage.)

My mom is like this too, although to a lesser extent. I think I inherited this from her and its exaggerated by my "dad's" tendency to skim/go quickly through things that should be taken more slowly. It is VERY frustrating to not know what something is called, and know what it is called at the same time. I do occasionally combine #1 and #2... for instance I always call polenta paella. Both are tasty, but one is made by combining cornmeal and water, the other is a more complicated mix of rice and seafood. MT knows what I mean when I say "maybe I could make paella for dinner."

Also, it's a boy!

Large groups are great!

I'm beginning to realize that I'm much more comfortable talking in front a group than I am with most kinds of one-on-one or small group interactions. When I gave my talk at the Big Conference, I was able to relax into my presentation, providing appropriate asides and stopping to explain when needed. (There is a point where I write about something "resembling" something else, when its really a direct quotation. In the written format, this is fine. In the live format, it just sounded/read silly. So, I explained what I meant and moved on.)

This is something to think about for my career, whatever that may be. More specifically, it's making me think more about my strengths and weaknesses as a teacher. I can facilitate good discussions when I think of myself as a facilitator, getting students to talk to each other. I'm not as good at leading discussions. I hope that distinction is clear. More importantly, my strength is in my lecture style. There is a lot I need to improve on there, but I can do it. The chair of the department I'm interviewing at got his degree from a sister department at Urban State University. It wasn't that he was impressed that I had led my own class in front of 500 students last year, it was just that he knew what kind of accomplishment it was and attributed to me a group of qualities as an instructor. This past summer, I had to do a mock lesson in front of 8 people as part of a (failed) job interview. By simply pretending that it was a lot more people, I think it went pretty well.

Anyway, I'm preparing part of my job talk right now. Part of the difficulty I'm having is not knowing how much time I will have (probably either 40 minutes + 20 minutes discussion or 30 minutes  + 15 minutes discussion). I could do my Big Conference talk with some extra padding about my research. However, I know that at least one member of the search committee is interested in another aspect of my research, so I'm trying to figure out how to fold that into my Big Conference presentation. I don't think I should discuss just the other area, though, because it really doesn't represent my research, just an important aspect of the larger whole of my historical period. Ah, I'm running into the limits of writing semi-anonymously, aren't I.

It's time to start figuring out exactly how much stuff we have to do this weekend. Among other things, I want to get us both new phones! And curtain rods and maybe curtains for the kitchen. And a swim suit and some professional grooming related to swim suit wearing. And a full menu planned for Thanksgiving, which includes figuring out what to buy when and where, when to cook what, etc. And lots and lots of raking.  MT "lost" the "argument" about how my in-laws are getting here, so we'll actually have a lot of time on Wednesday to prepare before they get here. I guess that's a good thing, although it would be nice if they could/would get here earlier.

Gasp!

I have been traveling a lot, and just when I thought I would be home for a month or more... I get a call about flying to the Left Coast for a job interview. It's been kinda crazy, and not exactly blog-update friendly.

The Big Conference was really nice. Host city was really, really expensive and hard to get to. As a result, it was a smaller group than past years. I schmoozed, I did not booze. I think my presentation went really well, but I had no questions. The moderator and I had a nice conversation, but he teaches at the same school as MT so we've actually talked about this topic before. My topic is one where graduate students often know more about the "facts" than established scholars. Notoriously Scary Professor came to my panel just to see my paper, which he seemed to enjoy.

The Big News is the on-site interview, my first of the season. It's also my first tenure-track interview in the US., a whole different kettle of fish than the UK job or the one-years. Two days of interviews and lectures. Two days of being on. I'm excited about the job, the department is a good fit and the location is primo. However, the teaching load is scary, especially considering the impending arrival of little Octavia/Caesar. Still, there is almost nowhere else in the US where we would be near so many different schools with good programs for MT too. Childcare. I have no idea how bad it will be, and I'm so scared. So very, very scared.

Also, my health issues are getting weird. Lately, I've been gasping. It's not shortness of breath, because that would be a normal symptom of pregnancy. No, I gasp randomly. Sometimes it takes me by surprise and sounds like a horror-movie gasp. Usually it's just a deep inhale, and sometimes it's connected to obvious signs of indigestion. I think I need to see a specialist, because the consensus is that it's probably related to reflux. Since it's not a threat to the pregnancy, I don't think the midwives care (much). I, of course, am worried that I will randomly gasp with food in my mouth, but no one else (other than MT) sees this as an issue. Well, at least we already know the ENTs and GIs at the local hospital.

Packing, packing, packing

Tomorrow I leave for the Big Conference. There is so much to do before then. This morning, I tried on my brown shoes and there is a huge chunk missing from the heel. I'm giving a talk and have a brief interview, so I need two nicer outfits. Luckily my "fat" suits from before I lost the weight are both brown.

It already has been sucking, having to buy clothes that aren't maternity clothes, but are also not normal clothes. Normally my hips are the deciding factor, now it's my waist. So, I'm wearing some of my "fat" clothes, but they are tight in the waist, not the ass. And why would I want to buy new clothes--specifically nice clothes--that will probably look bad when I get my waist back in a year? I have another conference in February, and I will definitely be able to just wear my nice maternity clothes for that. From where I stand now that seems more reasonable than my dilemma at Ann Taylor last night. I did manage to get 50% off a cashmere sweater (already reduced by 30%) with the help of my husband, who braved the sale rack and found my size after I had given up. Cashmere sweater for $50 = perfection. Oddly, I have another Ann Taylor cashmere sweater that I paid $40 for, much to the surprise of the sales staff.

Anyway, this is my to-do list (mostly for today)
* Finalize and send in application for post-doc at Nearby R1
* Remember passport
* Make handout copies
* Buy new brown shoes <-- SO ANNOYING
* Finish paper, do read through
* Burn examples, power point slide, extra copies of paper
* Pack Extra CDs
* try on clothes, iron, pack. Maybe not iron.
* do laundry
* Find guidebook to Conference City, which I'm pretty sure we own because of an earlier vacation. (I've never been to CC, but I have been to the larger city nearby.)
* Return library books, get out one for flight home (my reward)

So, when I leave the house, this is my route:
Library, DSW shoe warehouse, Staples.

Child Care!

I spent almost all of yesterday in a funk about a job I was hoping to get an interview for... at least. Then, this morning, I read several posts about child care, even child care in the academy. Now I'm having an entirely different panic attack. The "oh my god, I can't do this another year, please I need a job or my Ph.D. is expired" funk has now been replaced by "oh my god, I can't work as an adjunct or TT and have an infant at the same time" fear.

On top of this, I'm trying to work on my conference paper, power point presentation, and handout. Since I'm not doing that interview at the conference, I'm a little less worried about some aspects of the presentation... particularly speaking to those not familiar with my subfield. I love doing this work. I want to be paid to do it. I'm good at it! I just should have done it in a freakin' different discipline. In fact, I took a break from writing it because I wanted to tell someone how much I love doing it!

My mother and father did a great job raising us, by any objective measure. Nonetheless, my mom was unhappy with her work/career/non-family life until the last ten years--after my sister and and I were both in college. *I don't want to be like that.* I've seen it first hand, and it's not something I aim for. What I didn't know until I was an adult was that despite the fact that I had "female lawyer" for a mother, she actually did not have a lot of work when I was little (not by choice).

What was my childcare like as a child? It's funny how little I remember. We went to a great day care that was literally across the road and through the cemetery from our house. It was a co-op and I have great memories of finger painting and dancing. Then we went to a different place, which I only recently found out was a Montessori-style Pre-K! My sister went there for 2 years, I think I went for one (I'm the oldest).

At this point, my mother was still at her small law practice. I know she was also very involved in town, serving on the planning commission for two terms. For at least a couple years we had a woman who took care of us after school for 2 or 3 days a week. Obviously, we were settling into the upper-middle class even though I remained unaware of this class status until I reached college. My parents were/are dedicated to saving and living as cheaply as possible, and an 8 year old doesn't realize that not having a Cabbage Patch Doll ("they're too expensive") is exactly because of the extravagance of a babysitter. A 16 year old doesn't think about it too much, either. (Also, my father was transferred when I was 10, and after the move I do remember the end-of-the-month pancakes for dinners that lasted for several years. Even a 12 year old begins to realize when Mom and Dad run out of money at the end of the month.)

So how did my parents do it? My mom gradually pulled out of a career she didn't like, and slowly settled into one she now loves, giving her a good amount of time to look after us. My dad worked 12 hour days my entire life, in large part to pay for childcare and college. Now they are solidly and comfortably upper middle class, even after having to sell low and buy high for every single house they've owned.

Now their eldest daughter is pregnant, unemployed, and a 7 hour drive away from free baby-sitting! Needless to say, all this navel gazing directed at my childhood hasn't made me feel more confident in my ability to be a super-mom.

Navel Gazing

I spent a lot of time at the hospital this week. This isn't nearly as bad as it sounds, in fact you might say that it isn't bad at all. On Tuesday morning, my husband got a follow-up procedure related to his scary ER visit in August. Everything inside him looks great, but it took him all day to even begin to recover from the sedatives they gave him. They think it is very unlikely that he has any sort of chronic condition that we need to worry about.

Inside me, everything looks even better! On Wednesday, we had a first-trimester ultrasound and the fluid in me (placenta) and in the baby (spinal cord?) is all looking great. I really didn't think I would be able to see a little person, but I totally could, and it was awesome. It's weird to watch the little parasite kick me repeatedly and not feel it at all.

Of course, the fact is that my morning sickness and migraines have not gone away, so in my mind "going to the hospital" is code for "hey! you people! I've felt horrible for almost 2 months! I want me back!" Today I got to go to an amazing 2-hour lecture on my Research Topic, but I almost missed it because I had a really bad wave of nausea while trying to work on a job letter in the morning.

Oh, and I found out that I didn't get an interview for either of the jobs I was most optimistic about. Strangely, this made me less nauseated.